Feeding a cold with a crime (and chicken soup)

I'm going down with a cold and it's not just any cold, it's a man-cold (if a women ever caught one of these she'd be incapacitated for a whole month - although strangely enough they seem to be immune...) so I need to take immediate action to avoid a life of mucus. Obvious starter for ten is chicked soup - every mother knows it's chicken soup that'll sort you out. Fuck knows why but if we put our faith in science then we'd go to the doctor, wouldn't we. This is my souped up (live with it, chump) version with ginger, lemongrass and garlic - the kinda shit that chinese herbalists will rub into your genitals to cure impotence, amnesia, emphysema and just about anything else they can find in a western medical dictionary. My soup was especially nice as the lemongrass was freshly shoplifted from Tescos. The bastards are making a absolute killing when when every other shop on the high street is rolling over tits up, and they think that I'm going to support their rape and pillage of British retail by paying 74p for 2 solitary sticks of lemongrass!? P-I-S-S-O-F-F!!! So... there I am in Tescos, pacing up and down the poultry aisle pretending to be caught in the moral dilemena of battery vs. free range as I carefully prize open the two packets of lemongrass in my shopping basket. Using slight of hand techniques taught to me my Bolivian circus monkeys I remove the two sticks from one packet and slide them into the other packet to give me FOUR STICKS OF LEMONGRASS FOR 74P (I'm sure that's what you get in Sainsbury's). With the empty packet safetly disposed of in organic vegetable section I stride boldy to the basket only queue confident that the probability of a Tesco checkout attendent being able to read the '2 sticks' label as well as being able to count that there are infact four in my packet would be...? It's the crime that makes it taste good.

• if you can be arsed, pour boiling water over the chicken. You can imagine this as the face of someone you particularly dislike. The water will help remove some the of fat before cooking: the mental projection will help you deal with the mindless tedium of your day to day 9-5 existence
• joint the bastard into 4 or 6 pieces so it tucks neatly inside your saucepan, in the same you would chop up a dead body to fit the boot of a car
• brown it off for good measure - that means giving it a frying to remember, not marinading it in excrement.
• cover with enough water to make a soup (der?!)
• pick a particulary young and tender finger of ginger and SLICE (but not dice). Add it to the pan, man.
• give the girlfriend the night off and, for a change, bruise the buggery out of the lemongrass, bash the bejeebers out of the garlic and add both to the broth
• ah, miso (horny) - don't forget the miso. One dollop.
• a splash of soy never hurt anyone (as opposed to chilli sauce which is still a favourite among despotic regimes across the world)
• cover and leave to simmer for 20 - 30 minutes... or until the flat smells like a Vietnamese restaurant.
• remove and discard the lemongrass (I can't think of any other use for it) but leave the ginger in - if you see anyone pick this out then point at them and brand them a pussy of the highest degree. It should still be a little fiery but now somewhat mellowed and quite eatable
• serve with my personal fave for maintaining a regular bowel movement - buckwheat soba noodles...