A right red onion, garlic and kalonji pickle (well, chutney actually)

Great bloodied ball sacks! The taste is sublime but the colour and consistency isn't quite what little lord LVR desires! This is, as photo hints at, an accompaniment to the black pudding which itself will be placed on top of chocolate 'wafers'. Fine. But it's dark brown with white garlic chunks (NOW I decide I need a garlic press) and I've just decided I want it dark red. Subtle contrasts in goth food shades that will go completely unnoticed in the cobwebbed and candlelit corners of my fourth floor lair but MY MIND WILL SEE ALL. Anyway, it was like this:

1. I chopped a hell of a lot of red onions. I chopped and I chopped and I cried and I cried but there was more chopping to do so I kept on chopping and the more I chopped the more I cried...
   
2. But after the onions there was garlic and that needed chopping too! No tears this time - ducts probably dry.
   
3. I mixed myself a careful spice concoction of black onion seeds (kalonj), black chilli flakes, black mustard seeds, Jamaican all spice, mixed peppercorns, touch of coriander and cumin, a clove or two and an edge of star anise.
4. Everybody in the pan with an obscene amount of vegetable oil please. Spices dry roasted momentarily before hand.
5. Sauté the mo-fos for five or so adding a shovel full of sugar in the guise of raw cane and palm. A sprinkle of salt will do and no more.
   
6. Cover with a good amount of Tesco cheapo vinegar (plain, not malted)
7. For a little creative flair, I decide to add what is remaining from a bottle of Jamaican Dragon Stout (bought for this purpose but sidetracked into my mouth)
8. Missing something but what? Kitchen sink? In go the dried greek currants.
   
9. Double double toil and trouble; fire burn cauldron bubble.
10. Simmer for twenty mins then test, taste and bottle.